A slideshow of my senior year |
I have been blessed by the opportunity to attend a school like AMES. Throughout my four years I have grown and learned so much as an individual. I remember being so excited to attend AMES that it was all I talked about during the summer of 2012, I was ready to start a new chapter in my life and make sure that things were going to begin looking my way.
When I was 9 my Tio Jose was diagnosed with liver cancer. He didn't have much time left and I remember that that year was the longest year of my life. I often thought about how unfair it was to let good people lose to such an awful battle. My mother and grandfather often tell me about how happy I was when I was younger and that one day I just lost it, my mood had changed and I wasn't excited about anything anymore. Now that I am older I can understand why and what it was; it was depression. A year later more "exciting" news came towards my family. My mother was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease and again it destroyed me. I was sure that I was going to end up an orphan. I couldn't stand the thought of losing my mother because she and I are extremely close. What was a 10 year old to do? Well all I could do was stand by and watch as my mother fought a battle that could have taken her life just like it took my Tio's. The following years could not have been any longer. To my observations I noticed that I was not happy and would lie in order to get out of any situation. I would self harm and not understand why I would feel relief when I did. As I began my junior high education I realized that my depression grew and would take all my energy away from my school work. Not only was I dealing with trying to keep my school work up but I was also bullied by half of the class. At the time I had no idea that I was being bullied or experiencing a mental illness, I thought that I was supposed to feel like that. The summer of 2012 was a turning point in my life and I am grateful and annoyed at what it brought me. My mother received a kidney and I was admitted into the class of 2016 for AMES. I knew that high school was no musical, but every year I kept hoping that something good was going to happen. I worked hard and would go above and beyond to complete my work, but if I would not do so well I would begin my usual thoughts of self hatred and would not believe in any words of encouragement. My first 3 years at AMES I had no idea that I have this mental illness and I could never understand why I would be happy for a month and then the following 3 I would feel terrible. This last academic year I did end up in a rough patch this January/February. In this event I felt like I was worth nothing and that I deserved every single bad event that had happened to me in my lifetime. I felt so bad that I attempted suicide. I was broken and I had no other option left. The thing about suicide though is that when you want to do it the attempter is not being selfish, they are feeling the exact opposite. They feel as though they are improving the lives around them by getting rid of themselves because they think that they are the problem. It isn't a joke and should be addressed to students and should get the proper care that they deserve.Today I know exactly what it is and I am working through it. I have done many things to improve myself this past year and I have enjoyed it to say the least. It just goes to show that as long as you don't give up you can accomplish anything. |